|you make me nervous
||[Dec. 9th, 2006|01:54 pm]
Ranting, Raving, Skanking
|||||you make me fearful||]|
I know this may be a completely stupid question, but what's life? what's the point and the meaning? what's death? and where does it take you? I remember when I was little, you know, you get taught "there's heaven and hell. if you're good, and have never sinned, you go to heaven. if you've sinned and have not been forgiven, you go to hell." and then, there's the growing up thing that happened. I used to think the point of life was to change something, be somebody. is it just this trial and error thing? is it just something you're given only for it to be taken away when you want it most? is it just this torturous device to get you to appreciate it, or not have it at all? what if I'm working in minimum wage for the rest of my life, can I really be happy? is that really life and what it's supposed to be? what if, because I just can't stand school anymore, I drop out, and have to work every day for the next fifty years? is that really what life is? life is supposed to be grand, an adventure, a roller coaster, something to want each day. life isn't supposed to be something you take for granted, wish you didn't have, or end up hating day-to-day.
I don't know what to do half the time, because when I think I have friends, yeah, I may; but, it's like, they're all gone, have lives themselves, or aren't really my friends. I used to not want friends, I didn't want to take that risk in life. I don't want to be vulnerable, weak, and unsure of the motives. I wanted to live my life, by myself, without the bad influences of other people. but now, you know, some people know me, and few like me. what am I to do now? when majority of the time, they can't even be there for me to talk to, cry to, and think to. what am I to do now? when I want to go back to being alone. what am I to do now? when I don't want to feel this way anymore, when I don't want to feel abandoned. what am I to do now? when the very thing I promised myself I wouldn't think about, I think about it everyday. after Joseph killed himself, I hated myself, because that's the one thing I wish I could have done, and here was a paraplegic who could do so effectively. he made me promise I wouldn't make a mistake like suicide; "it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem, Sam, you have to realize that".
I just want to go back in time. I want to spend a few more minutes changing something, being somebody. I want to get to know my dad on a level that's appropriate. I want my grandfather's story about not being afraid of death to be a little less sad. I want to take Joe out on the town, make him realize I'm still here. I want my brother and Jay to talk again. I want Jamie to have stayed with her husband, and not met her murderer. I want to go back to where we weren't moving all the time, to where we could make healthy meals. I want my sister to know that I cared at one point, enough to say "I love you".
I want to know that people aren't suffering. I want to not suffer. I want to know that everybody's okay, and that everybody will always be okay. I want to know that life isn't just something that gives me problems. I want to want to wake up each morning and go to work, or school, or a friends house. I want to want to do something with my life. I want to want to be something better, I want to be something better. I want to enjoy day-to-day. I want to not make the same mistakes over and over. I want to not fall for friends, and I want to not have friends. I want to go back to writing songs and poems. I want to go back to strumming my guitar, and feeling great about it. I want to go back to snow angels in -32 degrees. I want to have enough courage to tell people to their faces how I really feel. I want to feel good about myself, to lose one hundred pounds. I want others to feel good about themselves. I want to enjoy life, and I don't want it to be something I just have to deal with. I want to love life, and want to live for as long as I can. I want to enjoy all the life provides, and I want things to be different than they are now.
I understand this pr'ly didn't make sense, but, I'm emotional, right now, and that's pr'much what you're ever going to get on here, I guess.